I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
