i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
