I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
You ruined the universe
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
