just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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