toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
