I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Randomize
