I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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