I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
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