Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
I did not marry a roomba.
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