I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Randomize
