I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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