I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
Never joke about your clitoris.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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