And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
Randomize
