Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Randomize
