I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Randomize
