Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
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