I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
I can't turn off my feet"
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
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