I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
