I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Randomize
