i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
