i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize