I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
I am one with the molecules
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
