Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
Randomize
