and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
not ubering you a puppy
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
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