All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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