dats a huuuuuge bitch!
who is this????
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Randomize
