you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
