Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
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