Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
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