This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
Randomize
