we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
Let's paint friendship bongs
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
