we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
