He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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