yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
She has the best kind of daddy issues
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Randomize
