I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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