apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
