when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
