the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Randomize
