Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
But theres a keg here and me gusta
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Randomize
