just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
