after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
Randomize
