I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
