We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
