I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
