Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
