I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
so i was creeping on him today and there was like nothing new except he became a fan of getting dome
i wish i could be like. "i like giving dome, lets be friends"
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
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