Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
