Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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