i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
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