I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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