I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
