the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
