Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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