my room smells like sperm. sweet.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
