I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
