Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
