she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
