she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
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