You're earring is so big in my mouth
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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